“33”
“This piece is a reflection from my birthday—raw, personal, and honest.
Sharing it feels like stepping into a new chapter where I stop hiding from my audience and embrace the parts of myself I’ve kept private for too long.
I hope it resonates with anyone navigating their own moments of reflection.”
It feels bittersweet to get something you’ve wanted
but at the cost of something you probably needed
It’s the morning of my 33rd birthday.
Jan 9th
7:08am
A Thursday
Im at the 9-5 office
I’m sitting at my desk, drinking my second coffee,
unable to fully focus on work,
But also searching for a distraction
The sea of lessons and added wisdom I feel today makes me grateful.
But the battle-torn journey behind me turns my stomach.
As much as I know I have to be thankful for,
It’s hard to feel worthy of happiness.
Radical honesty with myself has been an incredible journey,
But the disconnect between understanding and application?
That’s where self-sabotage lives.
And I’m pissed about it
I’m pissed i feel alone when i know i’m not.
I’m pissed Ive pushed my partner away at times we were getting closer.
I’m pissed at all the ways i see ive rubbed people the wrong way
and now its too late to change it
I’m pissed at myself for wearing masks so long,
it feels like my circle doesn’t truly know me
I’m pissed at myself for wasting so much time reinventing the wheel
And making work more important than it ever needed to be.
I’m pissed that I care so much about what others think
While constantly judging them in my own head
and knowing none of it matters.
I’m pissed that I don’t know the difference between what I truly want
And what I’m just curious about.
I’m pissed I can’t be radically honest with the people closest to me—
The ones who only want me to be real and happy.
“What is enough?”
Dr. Johnson loves asking questions that stick in my head.
Fuck… I don’t know
What’s enough, and what is greed?
What’s the wrong fit, and what’s just a shiny distraction?
How do I know what “normal” is when my normal has been
Sprinting headfirst through life for so long?
I’m hitting the brakes
Letting projects and ideas fall to the wayside
To figure out what’s truly required.
Taking a break from seeking mirrors,
And spending my time reflecting inward.
Embracing the lessons I’ve learned,
while Finding a new place of self-acceptance.
There’s no external validation left
That will tell me something I haven’t already heard.
The truth has been spoken to me
By enough people,
Enough times.
I clearly have work to do
I’m not sure what it looks like yet,
But I’m open to finding it.
This time, with a new level of patience and acceptance for myself—
And requiring the same from those around me.
In the meantime,
I don’t know how to function.
I don’t want to act like everything’s fine,
But I refuse to wallow as a victim either.
I don’t know how to live in the middle.
I don’t know how to explain the conflicting, paradoxical feelings I’m having
The ones that shift by the day.
I barely understand them myself.
So how do I begin to help someone else understand?
I feel the need to be alone,
But all I want is to hold and be held.
So I write.
Happy Birthday, Raza.
Let’s do better.
